Jump to content

Welcome to Shinobi Story!

636f97daa7d58374b44fa0f2c8cb46fe.jpg

Sign up to get full access to Shinobi Story's game & community! 


Guest Message by DevFuse

UzumakiAlexRO

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Content Count

    19

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Posts posted by UzumakiAlexRO

  2. Posted

    10 hours ago, HayateAsuka said:

    Why not. I think I would like to meet this lovely granny with my student.

    Oyy master, you make me blush!

     

    Besides that, this is a great approach, I can not wait to take a little rest in your lovely hub... Cheers!

     

    1

  4. Posted

    Great work, master, as far as I am concerned you'll show me your ninja way, and teach me the swordsmanship tehniques you've learnt....

    Your one and only Disciple, Yoshitani Keika!

     

    0

  5. Posted · Edited by UzumakiAlexRO

    well I can see the jokes and all, but unfortunatelly you can't be from leaf since there are no villages yet in this period of time

     

    1

  6. Posted

    On 3/9/2020 at 1:06 PM, tweego said:

    I'm just gonna hop in and give my view on things!

    It's a neat small graphic, but it's a bit.. Clustered. I like the way you're separating stories and including small pictures as to gain a small image of the scenarios.

    There's some repeating in words and sentences,  such as; 

      Reveal hidden contents

    ''But the face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face. He finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust. Someone that made him feel safe after all this time. ''

    And then, immediately in the next sentence you write;

    ''The face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face, he finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust.''

     

    You also tend to use the word 'someone' a lot. Another substitution could be; ''He finally found a soul who can help him, a leader to follow and trust.''

    However, with that being said;  it's a nice work of writing.

      Reveal hidden contents

    Solid 7/10. It's neat and short.

     

    Yeah I got it, I will keep it in mind for the next stories, and I will take your advice before putting it out, I am not good at substituting essencial words so I just copy them. Thank you!

    0

  7. Posted

    On 3/9/2020 at 10:32 PM, Nisshomaru said:

    Really looking forward on how this character adapts.

    This is one of the rare cases I am interested in a character.

    Thank you so much, I can't wait to meet you in game!

     

    0

  8. Posted

    6 hours ago, IAmAscathor said:

    Allow me to help you how you could phrase it in your story.

    This is how you wrote it:

    The strange man smiled bright and asked the little boy if he wants to join him. The face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face, he finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust.

    I propose this as how you could've "implied" it:

    The strange man smiled bright and asked the little boy if he wants to join him. Why, he wouldn't say. But the face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face. He finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust. Someone who made him feel safe after all this time.

    You wouldn't have had to mention too much and at the same time it gives some context. It helps the reader understand "why". You don't put explicit reasons. You just say there are reasons to it. Reasons untold. It gives some life to the story. Both to understand the man and the boy. ^^

     

    Writing is an art. It can be both easy and hard at times to properly portrait your idea into a few sentences. The more complex it gets, the harder to describe. Yet, you got a few rhetorical devices you can use to maximize your efforts and intends. It's mostly a matter of experience, so don't worry if you feel like you couldn't do this. You can. In due time. ?

     

    Better?

     

    3

  9. Posted

    12 hours ago, BloodyDoll said:

    This is why I keep text to a minimum with special fonts. 

    Yes it's pretty much the same as what I have told him on discord, a story needs to be build up. 

    Without a build up, it's hard for a story to make sense. 

    Things happen with reason.

    The more reason you'll search in your own story, the more consequences you'll consider as well.

    Thus broadening your view on your own character.

    All-in-all, since you're very new. Good job, besides stealing my style of biographies. Hehe jokes! It's looking good and certainly going forwards, keep the roleplay coming. :3

    Edit: Still better than my first excuse of a bio XD

    Thank you very much!??

    0

  10. Posted · Edited by UzumakiAlexRO

    13 hours ago, IAmAscathor said:

    And as we discussed in Discord, here a more detailed rundown on the story.

    In total I do not dislike it. To be fair, it sounds like a fairly common background story. None too much out of the ordinary. The only thing I'd point out would be - why would the man suddenly take him up ? Maybe his own loneliness ? Maybe because he decided to be a paternal father of sorts ? Being a big brother that he never could be ? That's the only thing pretty much missing "why". 

    However, that's pretty much the only point I'd bring up. The story sounds solid enough to me. I wonder how he'll play out as character, but the "foundation" (his background) is fine imo.

    ?

    Soo I did not wanna spoil my masters story but I'mma say this, he is a man who once had a family, his wife died giving birth to their child, and the child got stolen by a bunch of riders, so when I appeared in front of him he saw the image of his son in my appearance, that is what made him take and train me....

    0

  12. Posted

    16 minutes ago, IAmAscathor said:

    I want to like it. But the font kills it for me ? Not a fan. 

    I'm not commenting content with that. Seems ok so far.

    I love your constructive criticism, now it is kinda late, but for the next card I will keep that in mind, thank you ?


     

    1
×
×
  • Create New...