Hordar Azamaki

[Hordar 1]

Hordar when he was 15
My name is Hordar "Uchicha" Azamaki, I come from sub-clan of Uchichas that were living in Country of Fire on south named Azamaki. My sister, only sibling died when I was six, thanks to that I acquired ,,mist" sharingan. Its power is same as normal sharingan but instead of fire style they have water style. I was not best, but over average student in our local school. Thanks to training I found out that my chakra nature is Water. When I was seventeen I had to kill my parents because my father betrayed village, but I wanted them to have normal burial, I acted like I was the traitor. I like to fiight using sword. I'm looking forward to see what I will have to face on my way and maybe find comrades that would accept me.

Characteristic: 

Age: 18 years old

Height: 174 cm / 5,7 ft

Weight: 68 kg

Gender: male

Hordar leaving his village

Full story:

Hordar "Uchicha" Azamaki
About village history: I come from small village, that was located on south part Country of Fire. Village is surrounded by walls, behind walls is thick fog created by talented ninja elders, they also can manipulate the form of fog. In village live few clans including Azamaki (sub-clan of Uchicha) and others that lived earlier on this lands.
Azamaki clan: As sub-clan for Uchichas, clan changed name to Azamaki so they could be recognized as other one than just Uhicha. V illage was on its own, hidden from the world. Instead of having normal sharingan, members of Azamaki clan have ''Mist'' Sharingan. The ones that didn't had ''Mist'' Sharingan were able to achieve it by killing family member. Person with sharingan from Azamaki clan can see through fog created around village.
About Hordar Azamaki: From young age I was talented in water nature. I had one sibling, younger sister. When I was six, my sister became ill to unknown disease. Noone could help her, because medicine didn't work. I was sitting with tears in my eyes, looking at her red from disease forehead and exhausted face. She didn't make it and died, and because of that I unlocked ,,Mist" Sharingan. Despite the death of sibling I moved on, with hole in my heart. I blamed village for being closed to outsiders and not trading goods with other villages. I always say that its thanks to her I achieved sharingan, and that's why I trained harder and harder. After few years, I was called one of the most talented children in the settlement. I honed my skills with water release and trained even harder with sharingan (although nooone really cared to teach me how to use it properly). I was also training sword fighting and I trained it with my father. When I was 15 I finished our local school. After school I was helping in village, helping young ones train, working in our small library or work on land. I also joined special defending forces of village called ,,Jiyū" (meaning freedom). There was a rumour that someone has betrayed village and had contacted with organisations outside of village. Unfortunately we didn't know intentions of this so we were in highest degree of caution. And for one year it was forbidden to go outside of the village. When I was seventeen I found in library banned book about Mist Sharingan, I found out how people from clan without it get it and learnt that its capable of storing chakra. I was still this whole time investigating the case of traitor. When I checked my house, I was in terror when I saw secret messages in cupboard of my father about instructions to create genjutsu large enough to get whole village in it (my father had Mist Sharingan and never explained how he obtained it or how to use it properly). When I met my father I saw large amount of chakra concentrated in his eyes. That's moment I knew I had to strike or there will be no time left. I pulled out sword, my father withdraw two kunai's, and with fast move of his hands he wounded me between my eyes. Using my sword I knock out both of his kunai's. Even if I didnt want to I moved my sword to pierce thru his chest. And then my mother jumped between us, Because of strength and speed of push I pierced both of my parents. Look of my mother was like she saw something horrifying. Without hesitation I whispered that I'm sorry to betray them and finished them of. When I left house with blood on my hands, two of my friends from Jiyū were waiting and asked me what happened. At start they thought I killed traitor, but i didnt want them to think that my parents betrayed village, so I immediatly stabbed one of them and deprived out of consciousness second. I runned as fast as I could and left village with nothing but black mantle and sword. After just few minutes they sent about ten Jiyū members after me. Thankfully I was far enough and they lost my tracks. And that's the time when I became rogue ninja. Thanks to that, village stopped hiding, and set bounty on my head. I hope to find my path and maybe comrades that would accept me and the fact that I'm being hunted.

Hordar one year after he left his village

Edited August 27, 2021 by Hordar
Still working on it :P

[AncientofLore 4]

General Feedback

I'll be honest with you, I like the concept. It can be strengthened in due time, fitted through the cogs of our current lore and developed through roleplay in due time. The problem lies within small things that take away from your character's plausibility, but I can't deny their originality. First off, in this section I will describe in good will how you could improve your character concept to fit the world, and also develop the skills to convey him more aptly. If I have more notes, I will either edit this post or reply further. 

Again, I enjoy the concept you've created. You've presented a part of the Uchiha Clan that could very well exist on the fringe, especially given our liberties with the server's lore. Granting your character the Water Release differentiates him and this branch of the Uchiha Clan, giving them their own space to work with and moving away from the stereotype of 'All Uchiha are Fire Release masters'. However, you shoot yourself in the foot the very next second because you've changed the Sharingan into a... blue sharingan? I can give you that it's original, but that depends on the lore of this Azamaki sub-Clan (I'd urge you to refer to it as a sub-Clan, because it's technically a branch of the Uchiha in the way you've presented it to the reader). If the Azamaki sub-Clan existed for ages, even before the First War, as part of the Uchiha Clan, then I can understand a mutation happening over the generations to distinguish them from their far-but-not-so-far removed cousins. However, if the Azamaki sub-Clan is a fairly recent thing, that neither explains nor excuses a mutation appearing in their bloodline to change it so adamantly in such little time. You've got two avenues to go with, really, but I'd also add another flavorful detail for you to think about; since the Azamaki sub-Clan's village is surrounded by man-forged mist on all sides, why not flavor this new Sharingan archetype around that? 'Diamond' Sharingan seems a bit off-flavor when there's nothing to indicate that the sub-Clan had mines, or that mining was a huge part of their livelihood and identity. 'Mist' Sharingan has a decent ring to it, is just as plausible if not moreso, and it's also flavored around the Mists surrounding the village. You can color it a light grey with strokes of silver for uniqueness. My final note to ease the recollections of those who'd say 'different colors of the same eye can't exist' is to reference the differently colored Sharingan, Byakugan, and Rinnegan of the Otsutsuki Clan. That manifested because of aptitude and biological difference- which is not at all different from what you're trying to achieve with your backstory. Speaking of the backstory, it is kind of cliche but I'm not mad at it. While on the nose, and a bit cheeky, I find it a tiny bit charming.

As a final note that I'd like to put my two cents on; if the eye is a clan mutation, both his eyes would be the same color. If it's hereditary and depends on the Clan's position, geography, and lore, then both eyes would be blue. I didn't want to mention it at first because you must've put a lot of work into editing the pictures to fit your character, but I felt it needed to be pointed out.

Can't wait to see you and interact in-game with my character, Nobu. Welcome to our community!

 

 

Edited August 27, 2021 by AncientofLore

[Hordar 1]

4 hours ago, AncientofLore said:

General Feedback

I'll be honest with you, I like the concept. It can be strengthened in due time, fitted through the cogs of our current lore and developed through roleplay in due time. The problem lies within small things that take away from your character's plausibility, but I can't deny their originality. First off, in this section I will describe in good will how you could improve your character concept to fit the world, and also develop the skills to convey him more aptly. If I have more notes, I will either edit this post or reply further. 

Again, I enjoy the concept you've created. You've presented a part of the Uchiha Clan that could very well exist on the fringe, especially given our liberties with the server's lore. Granting your character the Water Release differentiates him and this branch of the Uchiha Clan, giving them their own space to work with and moving away from the stereotype of 'All Uchiha are Fire Release masters'. However, you shoot yourself in the foot the very next second because you've changed the Sharingan into a... blue sharingan? I can give you that it's original, but that depends on the lore of this Azamaki sub-Clan (I'd urge you to refer to it as a sub-Clan, because it's technically a branch of the Uchiha in the way you've presented it to the reader). If the Azamaki sub-Clan existed for ages, even before the First War, as part of the Uchiha Clan, then I can understand a mutation happening over the generations to distinguish them from their far-but-not-so-far removed cousins. However, if the Azamaki sub-Clan is a fairly recent thing, that neither explains nor excuses a mutation appearing in their bloodline to change it so adamantly in such little time. You've got two avenues to go with, really, but I'd also add another flavorful detail for you to think about; since the Azamaki sub-Clan's village is surrounded by man-forged mist on all sides, why not flavor this new Sharingan archetype around that? 'Diamond' Sharingan seems a bit off-flavor when there's nothing to indicate that the sub-Clan had mines, or that mining was a huge part of their livelihood and identity. 'Mist' Sharingan has a decent ring to it, is just as plausible if not moreso, and it's also flavored around the Mists surrounding the village. You can color it a light grey with strokes of silver for uniqueness. My final note to ease the recollections of those who'd say 'different colors of the same eye can't exist' is to reference the differently colored Sharingan, Byakugan, and Rinnegan of the Otsutsuki Clan. That manifested because of aptitude and biological difference- which is not at all different from what you're trying to achieve with your backstory. Speaking of the backstory, it is kind of cliche but I'm not mad at it. While on the nose, and a bit cheeky, I find it a tiny bit charming.

As a final note that I'd like to put my two cents on; if the eye is a clan mutation, both his eyes would be the same color. If it's hereditary and depends on the Clan's position, geography, and lore, then both eyes would be blue. I didn't want to mention it at first because you must've put a lot of work into editing the pictures to fit your character, but I felt it needed to be pointed out.

Can't wait to see you and interact in-game with my character, Nobu. Welcome to our community!

 

 

Thanks a lot, it will be very helpful for improving characters backstory

[AncientofLore 4]

Dope!