Yoshitani Keika

[UzumakiAlexRO 7]

Edited March 4, 2020 by UzumakiAlexRO

[Shaka 21]

That looks great

 

[Thanathros 30]

I want to like it. But the font kills it for me  Not a fan. 

I'm not commenting content with that. Seems ok so far.

[UzumakiAlexRO 7]

16 minutes ago, IAmAscathor said:

I want to like it. But the font kills it for me  Not a fan. 

I'm not commenting content with that. Seems ok so far.

I love your constructive criticism, now it is kinda late, but for the next card I will keep that in mind, thank you

 

[Thanathros 30]

4 hours ago, UzumakiAlexRO said:

I love your constructive criticism, now it is kinda late, but for the next card I will keep that in mind, thank you

 

And as we discussed in Discord, here a more detailed rundown on the story.

In total I do not dislike it. To be fair, it sounds like a fairly common background story. None too much out of the ordinary. The only thing I'd point out would be - why would the man suddenly take him up ? Maybe his own loneliness ? Maybe because he decided to be a paternal father of sorts ? Being a big brother that he never could be ? That's the only thing pretty much missing "why". 

However, that's pretty much the only point I'd bring up. The story sounds solid enough to me. I wonder how he'll play out as character, but the "foundation" (his background) is fine imo.

[UzumakiAlexRO 7]

13 hours ago, IAmAscathor said:

And as we discussed in Discord, here a more detailed rundown on the story.

In total I do not dislike it. To be fair, it sounds like a fairly common background story. None too much out of the ordinary. The only thing I'd point out would be - why would the man suddenly take him up ? Maybe his own loneliness ? Maybe because he decided to be a paternal father of sorts ? Being a big brother that he never could be ? That's the only thing pretty much missing "why". 

However, that's pretty much the only point I'd bring up. The story sounds solid enough to me. I wonder how he'll play out as character, but the "foundation" (his background) is fine imo.

Soo I did not wanna spoil my masters story but I'mma say this, he is a man who once had a family, his wife died giving birth to their child, and the child got stolen by a bunch of riders, so when I appeared in front of him he saw the image of his son in my appearance, that is what made him take and train me....

Edited March 4, 2020 by UzumakiAlexRO

[UzumakiAlexRO 7]

12 hours ago, BloodyDoll said:

This is why I keep text to a minimum with special fonts. 

Yes it's pretty much the same as what I have told him on discord, a story needs to be build up. 

Without a build up, it's hard for a story to make sense. 

Things happen with reason.

The more reason you'll search in your own story, the more consequences you'll consider as well.

Thus broadening your view on your own character.

All-in-all, since you're very new. Good job, besides stealing my style of biographies. Hehe jokes! It's looking good and certainly going forwards, keep the roleplay coming. :3

Edit: Still better than my first excuse of a bio XD

Thank you very much!

[Thanathros 30]

14 minutes ago, UzumakiAlexRO said:

Soo I did not wanna spoil my masters story but I'mma say this, he is a man who once had a family, his wife died giving birth to their child, and the child got stolen by a bunch of riders, so when I appeared in front of him he saw the image of his son in my appearance, that is what made him take and train me....

Allow me to help you how you could phrase it in your story.

This is how you wrote it:

The strange man smiled bright and asked the little boy if he wants to join him. The face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face, he finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust.

I propose this as how you could've "implied" it:

The strange man smiled bright and asked the little boy if he wants to join him. Why, he wouldn't say. But the face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face. He finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust. Someone who made him feel safe after all this time.

You wouldn't have had to mention too much and at the same time it gives some context. It helps the reader understand "why". You don't put explicit reasons. You just say there are reasons to it. Reasons untold. It gives some life to the story. Both to understand the man and the boy. ^^

 

Writing is an art. It can be both easy and hard at times to properly portrait your idea into a few sentences. The more complex it gets, the harder to describe. Yet, you got a few rhetorical devices you can use to maximize your efforts and intends. It's mostly a matter of experience, so don't worry if you feel like you couldn't do this. You can. In due time.

 

Edited March 4, 2020 by IAmAscathor
Put "my additions" into bold

[UzumakiAlexRO 7]

6 hours ago, IAmAscathor said:

Allow me to help you how you could phrase it in your story.

This is how you wrote it:

The strange man smiled bright and asked the little boy if he wants to join him. The face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face, he finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust.

I propose this as how you could've "implied" it:

The strange man smiled bright and asked the little boy if he wants to join him. Why, he wouldn't say. But the face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face. He finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust. Someone who made him feel safe after all this time.

You wouldn't have had to mention too much and at the same time it gives some context. It helps the reader understand "why". You don't put explicit reasons. You just say there are reasons to it. Reasons untold. It gives some life to the story. Both to understand the man and the boy. ^^

 

Writing is an art. It can be both easy and hard at times to properly portrait your idea into a few sentences. The more complex it gets, the harder to describe. Yet, you got a few rhetorical devices you can use to maximize your efforts and intends. It's mostly a matter of experience, so don't worry if you feel like you couldn't do this. You can. In due time.

 

Better?

 

[Dan 68]

10 minutes ago, UzumakiAlexRO said:

Better?

I'd just like to say Alex, it's great that you're taking constructive criticism on the chin. Good attitude to have. 

[Thanathros 30]

1 hour ago, UzumakiAlexRO said:

Better?

 

Yes, it is. Consider my critic adressed!

56 minutes ago, Dan said:

I'd just like to say Alex, it's great that you're taking constructive criticism on the chin. Good attitude to have. 

I second that! Always good to see someone taking criticism and working with it. I certainly appreciate that!

[tweego 7]

I'm just gonna hop in and give my view on things!

It's a neat small graphic, but it's a bit.. Clustered. I like the way you're separating stories and including small pictures as to gain a small image of the scenarios.

There's some repeating in words and sentences,  such as; 

Spoiler

''But the face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face. He finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust. Someone that made him feel safe after all this time. ''

And then, immediately in the next sentence you write;

''The face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face, he finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust.''

 

You also tend to use the word 'someone' a lot. Another substitution could be; ''He finally found a soul who can help him, a leader to follow and trust.''

However, with that being said;  it's a nice work of writing.

Spoiler

Solid 7/10. It's neat and short.

 

[UzumakiAlexRO 7]

On 3/9/2020 at 10:32 PM, Nisshomaru said:

Really looking forward on how this character adapts.

This is one of the rare cases I am interested in a character.

Thank you so much, I can't wait to meet you in game!

 

[UzumakiAlexRO 7]

On 3/9/2020 at 1:06 PM, tweego said:

I'm just gonna hop in and give my view on things!

It's a neat small graphic, but it's a bit.. Clustered. I like the way you're separating stories and including small pictures as to gain a small image of the scenarios.

There's some repeating in words and sentences,  such as; 

  Reveal hidden contents

''But the face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face. He finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust. Someone that made him feel safe after all this time. ''

And then, immediately in the next sentence you write;

''The face of the young boy brightened, and a big smile popped on his face, he finally found someone who can help him, someone that he can trust.''

 

You also tend to use the word 'someone' a lot. Another substitution could be; ''He finally found a soul who can help him, a leader to follow and trust.''

However, with that being said;  it's a nice work of writing.

  Reveal hidden contents

Solid 7/10. It's neat and short.

 

Yeah I got it, I will keep it in mind for the next stories, and I will take your advice before putting it out, I am not good at substituting essencial words so I just copy them. Thank you!

[HayateAsuka 2]

This is my student! If you want him you will have to go through me, which is something I don´t recommend you do!!

[UzumakiAlexRO 7]

3 minutes ago, HayateAsuka said:

This is my student! If you want him you will have to go through me, which is something I don´t recommend you do!!

Thank you, Master !

 

[Bacchin 28]

3 hours ago, UzumakiAlexRO said:

Thank you, Master !

 

What in the world-